I dont know why, but i felt the need to write the way I feel today. Some of you out there would say "Oh my god, suck it up".....well, to you I wanna say, just dont bother reading this, hell, delete me for that matter. I really dont care. I just have to get this out of me.
I woke up this morning and just didnt feel like me. My emotions work overtime at times. I cant explain why, but they just do. i feel this tug once in a while. Just over emotion I guess, but it puts me into something that isnt depression, but more just a state of inner pain, emptiness, and a feeling of being hollow.
The last couple of weeks have really been a test. I have been completely disowned by my immediate family, and that is something that I never saw coming, and also something that i wouldnt wish on my enemy. My own mother told me over the phone to 'go to hell', not once, but twice. That hurt. I cant tell you how much.
Go to hell? Let me tell you something about that.
I'm there already. Have been for alot of years. It progressively gets deeper and darker. But somehow I managed NOT to follow in my father's footsteps and taken my life. I cant lie, I have tried. Pain inside is something I cant deal with. I'd rather feel physical pain rather than emotional pain anyday of the week. But somehow, either by my own failure, or by the grace of god, I'm still here. Even though at times I dont want to be.
My dad took his life December 25, 1978. I was 7. I didnt understand. I still dont. I can only imagine that pain in his life at the time must have been unbearable. He left me. I was angry for years, but I have since forgiven. Although, at times I find it really hard to forgive my mother. When I lost him, I didnt get to go to the funeral, or any services. I was also kept from my dads side of the family for alot of years. I had almost forgotten them all. I knew them yes, but I hadnt been able to see them for a long time. That hurt. Bad. I needed that side of my family more than ever back then. I thank god that I have recently found them through Facebook.
When I was 9, I was introduced to my stepfather. A 20 years retired gunnery sgt from Parris Island. He was such a cold individual. Used me for a verbal and physical punching bag for years, and although I tried to signal that there was a problem and things werent right, I was never believed. By the time my mom would get home from work, the story was always changed by him, and I was always led to believe that it was my own fault for the things that happened.
I did alot of crying then. I couldnt help it. I was alone, although i wasn't really 'alone'.
I had came home from school one day to find the front door locked. So i went around to the back door. It was also locked. After going back around front, I knocked on the door because I could hear my step dad inside the house talking on the phone. He came to the door, mad. He asked why i didnt go aound back. I told him I did but that door was locked too. He threw the storm door open, grabbed me by the shirt and yanked me toward the inside of the house. The edge of that screen door caught me on the left side of my face, breaking my glasses. He got me inside and slammed me against the wall and then hit me with a barrage of names and other things. I went to my room, in pieces. I sat there, and wondered why I was being put through all of that. I got a sense of calm that came over me and then I saw it. My old Louisville slugger, 32 inch baseball bat from when I was a kid. I picked it up, and tore my room apart.....walls, door, everything. Then I threw the door open and went down the hall after him. He saw me, and grabbed a chair, holding it like a lion tamer while i swung it trying to pay him back for all of the hell i was put through at his hand.
Eventually things settled, and I went outside on the back steps. My mom drove up, and they startred talking again, about me. He was trying to convince her to 'put me away'. I can still hear that to this day. I was only trying to defend myself, stand up for myself, and regain myself.
So she came to me and told me that I was going to be put in some place called the "Tammy Lynne Center". I looked her straight in the eye and said to do it. At least I wouldnt have to live there anymore. Nobody ever believed what was happening anyway. So I was ready to go.
It never happened. I guess that when I welcomed going away, it let her know that I wasnt making things up as he said that I did. He eventually was made to leave, some years later, by MY, with the help of my nephew Billy Ennis riding shotgun in the passenger seat of my LTL9000, when we took his things to his new place after they divorced.
BJ, I know I dont see you much, but know I will never forget that. And I love you man. I have alot of respect for you, and dont you EVER stop moving forward.
Flash forward some years later. I'm in myrtle beach with a 'wife' (kinda) and 2 small kids when we called it quits. I hit rock bottom. I left, and went to stay with a friend just up the street. I was alone, felt like I was worlds from home, and i just hit bottom. I tried like hell to put us back together. It didnt work. I ended up in the hospital numerous time for anxiety attacks, so I had quite an arsenal of medications. I was alone one night and started to hurt really bad. I wondered if it was truly my destiiny or legacy, to end it all. I tried. I took a cocktail of pills, and washed it down with booze. Then just simply laid down on the floor and waited to go. Atleast then I wouldnt have felt the way I did.
I woke up the next morning.
I was in major pain. But that didnt matter. I was more floored by simply waking up. What the hell happened? What did I do wrong? Why didnt that work? Now I was feeling worse, because I couldnt even get THAT right.
Terrible thing to have that much anguish inside of yourself, and to let it lead you right to that threshold. Much less stepping over that threshold, knowing its a one way ticket to hell. But when you've been there for the majority of your life, what's the difference?
...God spared me. I dont know why, but he did. And it had given me new hope, and belief that he has a plan for me, for us all. I may not know what it is, and I still dont understand, but he's got something planned. I was spared. I may not know why, but I know something is coming. A purpose, a change, a better me.
If you've made it this far into this 'read' and havent rolled your eyes and said that I'm full of it, think about that. If youre having trouble in your life and hide it like I do, know that if I can make it, you can too. I found out I wasnt alone, although it felt that I was. I'm not perfect by no means, but I'm learning to be a better person everyday. I have more compassion in my life now than I ever did. I'd give anything to help anyone. And when troubles arise, i know the good lord has my back.
So why did I put this down in a note? No idea really. I guess just to write it out, and see it before me. And hope that maybe it'll make some others see that they arent alone in feeling alone. If this touches one single human being, thats worth more than any amount of money you could have. To me.
Love is a beautiful thing. It pains me at times to know that I cant share what I feel inside with others. Its undescribable, unmeasurable, and warm. I hope if you think about what its like for you, that you can't explain it either.
So I'll close this. I think I have it all out of my system now. If you read it, thanks. I know I tend to start on one subject and then get side tracked...lol......the whole "Oh look, a kitty" thing i guess.....but when I feel like I do at times, its hard to keep it on track. But I only hope I managed to make sense.
So don't give up. No one is as tough as they want us all to think they are. If they truly are, then they're missing out on alot in my opinion. Just know that you're NOT alone. People care, even when you think they may not. When you think you dont matter, and the world would be better without you, know someone out there loves you. Someone out there needs you. And that someone out there cares. Its taken me 40 years to learn that, but atleast I know now.
One more thing...
If youre fortunate enough to have your parents still, be it one or both, NEVER miss the opportunity to tell them that you love them. And spend as much time with them as possible. Your kids too....always make sure they know you love them. Hug them a little tighter, a little longer. Even if they dont quite understand why.
And always make sure the people that you care for in your ife know what they truly mean to you. Youd be surprised how much that does for someone, and yourself.
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