I would've never said that...

 I dont know why, but i felt the need to write the way I feel today. Some of you out there would say "Oh my god, suck it up".....well, to you I wanna say, just dont bother reading this, hell, delete me for that matter. I really dont care. I just have to get this out of me.
 I woke up this morning and just didnt feel like me. My emotions work overtime at times. I cant explain why, but they just do. i feel this tug once in a while. Just over emotion I guess, but it puts me into something that isnt depression, but more just a state of inner pain, emptiness, and a feeling of being hollow.
 The last couple of weeks have really been a test. I have been completely disowned by my immediate family, and that is something that I never saw coming, and also something that i wouldnt wish on my enemy. My own mother told me over the phone to 'go to hell', not once, but twice. That hurt. I cant tell you how much.
 Go to hell? Let me tell you something about that.
 I'm there already. Have been for alot of years. It progressively gets deeper and darker. But somehow I managed NOT to follow in my father's footsteps and taken my life. I cant lie, I have tried. Pain inside is something I cant deal with. I'd rather feel physical pain rather than emotional pain anyday of the week. But somehow, either by my own failure, or by the grace of god, I'm still here. Even though at times I dont want to be.
 My dad took his life December 25, 1978. I was 7. I didnt understand. I still dont. I can only imagine that pain in his life at the time must have been unbearable.  He left me. I was angry for years, but I have since forgiven. Although, at times I find it really hard to forgive my mother.  When I lost him, I didnt get to go to the funeral, or any services. I was also kept from my dads side of the family for alot of years. I had almost forgotten them all. I knew them yes, but I hadnt been able to see them for a long time. That hurt. Bad. I needed that side of my family more than ever back then. I thank god that I have recently found them through Facebook.
 When I was 9, I was introduced to my stepfather. A 20 years retired gunnery sgt from Parris Island. He was such a cold individual. Used me for a verbal and physical punching bag for years, and although I tried to signal that there was a problem and things werent right, I was never believed. By the time my mom would get home from work, the story was always changed by him, and I was always led to believe that it was my own fault for the things that happened.
 I did alot of crying then. I couldnt help it. I was alone, although i wasn't really 'alone'.
 I had came home from school one day to find the front door locked. So i went around to the back door. It was also locked. After going back around front, I knocked on the door because I could hear my step dad inside the house talking on the phone. He came to the door, mad. He asked why i didnt go aound back. I told him I did but that door was locked too. He threw the storm door open, grabbed me by the shirt and yanked me toward the inside of the house. The edge of that screen door caught me on the left side of my face, breaking my glasses. He got me inside and slammed me against the wall and then hit me with a barrage of names and other things. I went to my room, in pieces. I sat there, and wondered why I was being put through all of that. I got a sense of calm that came over me and then I saw it. My old Louisville slugger, 32 inch baseball bat from when I was a kid. I picked it up, and tore my room apart.....walls, door, everything. Then I threw the door open and went down the hall after him. He saw me, and grabbed a chair, holding it like a lion tamer while i swung it trying to pay him back for all of the hell i was put through at his hand.
 Eventually things settled, and I went outside on the back steps. My mom drove up, and they startred talking again, about me. He was trying to convince her to 'put me away'. I can still hear that to this day. I was only trying to defend myself, stand up for myself, and regain myself.
 So she came to me and told me that I was going to be put in some place called the "Tammy Lynne Center". I looked her straight in the eye and said to do it. At least I wouldnt have to live there anymore. Nobody ever believed what was happening anyway. So I was ready to go.
 It never happened. I guess that when I welcomed going away, it let her know that I wasnt making things up as he said that I did. He eventually was made to leave, some years later, by MY, with the help of my nephew Billy Ennis riding shotgun in the passenger seat of my LTL9000, when we took his things to his new place after they divorced.
 BJ, I know I dont see you much, but know I will never forget that. And I love you man. I have alot of respect for you, and dont you EVER stop moving forward.
 Flash forward some years later. I'm in myrtle beach with a 'wife' (kinda) and 2 small kids when we called it quits. I hit rock bottom. I left, and went to stay with a friend just up the street. I was alone, felt like I was worlds from home, and i just hit bottom. I tried like hell to put us back together. It didnt work. I ended up in the hospital numerous time for anxiety attacks, so I had quite an arsenal of medications. I was alone one night and started to hurt really bad. I wondered if it was truly my destiiny or legacy, to end it all. I tried. I took a cocktail of pills, and washed it down with booze. Then just simply laid down on the floor and waited to go. Atleast then I wouldnt have felt the way I did.
 I woke up the next morning.
 I was in major pain. But that didnt matter. I was more floored by simply waking up. What the hell happened? What did I do wrong? Why didnt that work? Now I was feeling worse, because I couldnt even get THAT right.
 Terrible thing to have that much anguish inside of yourself, and to let it lead you right to that threshold. Much less stepping over that threshold, knowing its a one way ticket to hell. But when you've been there for the majority of your life, what's the difference?
 ...God spared me. I dont know why, but he did. And it had given me new hope, and belief that he has a plan for me, for us all. I may not know what it is, and I still dont understand, but he's got something planned. I was spared. I may not know why, but I know something is coming. A purpose, a change, a better me.
 If you've made it this far into this 'read' and havent rolled your eyes and said that I'm full of it, think about that. If youre having trouble in your life and hide it like I do, know that if I can make it, you can too. I found out I wasnt alone, although it felt that I was. I'm not perfect by no means, but I'm learning to be a better person everyday. I have more compassion in my life now than I ever did. I'd give anything to help anyone. And when troubles arise, i know the good lord has my back.
 So why did I put this down in a note? No idea really. I guess just to write it out, and see it before me. And hope that maybe it'll make some others see that they arent alone in feeling alone. If this touches one single human being, thats worth more than any amount of money you could have. To me.
Love is a beautiful thing. It pains me at times to know that I cant share what I feel inside with others. Its undescribable, unmeasurable, and warm. I hope if you think about what its like for you, that you can't explain it either.
 So I'll close this. I think I have it all out of my system now. If you read it, thanks. I know I tend to start on one subject and then get side tracked...lol......the whole "Oh look, a kitty" thing i guess.....but  when I feel like I do at times, its hard to keep it on track. But I only hope I managed to make sense.
 So don't give up. No one is as tough as they want us all to think they are. If they truly are, then they're missing out on alot in my opinion. Just know that you're NOT alone. People care, even when you think they may not. When you think you dont matter, and the world would be better without you, know someone out there loves you. Someone out there needs you. And that someone out there cares. Its taken me 40 years to learn that, but atleast I know now.
One more thing...
 If youre fortunate enough to have your parents still, be it one or both, NEVER miss the opportunity to tell them that you love them. And spend as much time with them as possible. Your kids too....always make sure they know you love them. Hug them a little tighter, a little longer. Even if they dont quite understand why.
 And always make sure the people that you care for in your ife know what they truly mean to you. Youd be surprised how much that does for someone, and yourself.

Maybe it's true. Or Maybe it's just me.

I'd like to think I've gotten past Lisa. She was tough to get over. The mother of my son. TOUGH to get over.
 She said some really hateful things both to me, and about me, and truth be told, she probably still does. It's ok. I have days where it doesn't bother me, but then again, it can stop me dead in my tracks alot.
 It's hard for me to trust anymore. Women, that is. I just can't trust them. I can't get my heart in that place anymore, and I surely don't want to set myself up for another disaster. I don't hink I could handle another one. So, I steer clear, ever playing the 'nice guy', or the 'crazy friend'. Gotta say though, it's not the real me.
 Would I like to have someone in my life? Sure I would. So why can't I get around this precautionary wall? I have no idea. I guess I'll just have to deal with this for sometime. Hell, I have been since 2009. Why stop now.

December Sky- "Hands of God?" ; Lady's Island, SC

 Depressions stink.
 They stink out loud, even. I've been through a few. Some worse than others. Even ended up in  the hospital as a result of a few. They just come on out of nowhere at times. Sometimes for day, months, sometimes for an hour or so. I can't explain it, and I don't claim those as an excuse for any of my actions.
 Early December, 2010
Sitting at the house, 5 hours from home, hadn't been in touch with anyone for quite a while. I knew I was in a downward spiral. It had put me in the hospital in Beaufort just a week or so prior, and me, being the hard headed son of bitch I am, got out of the hospital bed, walked out past the nurses desk, out into the lot, got in the car, and drove home. Still had the IV input in my left elbow. I kinda figured, what was the point. ...."Been down THAT road before"......That was my look at it.
 If you've ever been through one, you know how much of a balancing act it can be. You're essentially 'dead inside', but you don't want anyone to know. You put on that 'show'...a brave face, if you will.
It's a juggling act. It's tough, real tough. You start to over anylize everything. Every word, every action, every gesture from others. And then you start to anylize yourself: Where you're going, where you've been, accomplishments, if any....and disappointments. That to me was what I seemed to dwell on.
 Not disappointments in my life, but what a disappointment my life had become. Finding the time to be alone and just fall apart was hard. I didn't want to do it at all, but I knew I had to at some point. Just get that emotional rush over with, and maybe afterward, I may feel a little better.

I walked outside on morning to smoke a cigarette. I liked to listen to the squirrels and the rest of nature right there around the house. That and dodge the never ending barrage of acorns that fell from the trees..hehe
 I looked up in the sky toward town, and there it was. I had never witnessed anything like this before in my life, and to this day I never have.
 We didnt live close to an airport, or any flight lines, so planes couldn't have made these.

 At first i didnt think alot about it, but I had this overwhelming sense of warmth, and security. It was like someone spoke directly to my soul and told me that everything was going to be alright.

This was the shot of the same, from the driveway. These were so uniform. I couldn't take my eyes off of the horizon for anything. All I could do was watch in awe

I have no doubt that God himself did this. Maybe not just for me, but still to tell me that he was there, and that I had nothing to worry about, that everything, including myself, my life, was in his hands. It was an awesome experience. No I'm not preaching here, but all I can say is that this gave me hope, and changed my outlook on my existance. Yeah, I may get a little down at times, and yeah, I can be a little over opinionated and such, but as far as having any issues in my life that will ever lead me to that aweful threshold that it did before I left Myrtle Beach, they have all be put aside. I know there's a plan. I know I'm being watched. I know the good lord has got my back when I need it, but most of all, at a time when you couldn't have convinced me otherwise, I knew I was, in fact, loved.

Just plain "blah" today

12:45pm

I went to bed around 11:30 last night. I didn't feel so great when I did. Kept having to get up. My stomach was in knots. This morning, after I got up at 9:34, it's still about the same.
Got so much I need to get done. Got this conversation with Mark, to try and get the expansion started in this area, and not to mention more pics that I need to reformat and work with in edit in order to get them ready to be submitted.
But all I wanna do today is just stay quiet, and still. I wish I was feeling better. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. But lord, please help me make it through this one.

Woke up one Monday morning, and "woke up"

7:45am

I usually go out and meet Johnnie in the morning....smoke a cig or 3...hehe..but I got out there this morning and just didn't feel like myself.
I'm not complaining. That's a good thing to me.
Recently I have been feeling terrible. I just don't feel healthy. I don't have a lot of energy, I feel like my drive is gone, and I don't want to even start to talk about will power. I know I've needed to make some changes and today looks like a good day to start.
I'd cut down on my smoking. When I was living in Myrtle Beach I was up close to 2 packs a day. I think mainly because of nerves, but anyway, it still wasn't a good thing. I did manage to cut it way back. Now usually I can het through the day with less than a pack.
Quitting this is rough, yeah, but I have to do it. I'm 40 now, and I'd like to try to see at least another 40 years...hehe..
Then there's my upper body. I need to get that back in shape. So cokes, pepsi's, and even my trusty "Monster Energy" has got to go. I think that will be the toughest. I need to start drinking more water. Lots more water. I did it about a year ago and lost a he'll of a lot of weight, and felt great too.
So with any luck, some hard work, and some good head ache reliever, I should be able to kick the nicotine and caffeine habit.
Or at least I hope so.

Shrimpfest and "Lt. Dan Weekend": Beaufort, South Carolina

 My first weekend in Beaufort. New town, new people, new outlook. It was so nice to be in a different place. Both geographically, and in my life.
 Renee knows that town. I don't think there's a square inch of that place that she doesn't know. And she keeps up with the local festivals and such also. So this particular weekend, she planned for us to head to the waterfront and take in "Shrimpfest".
 This was my first time on the town waterfront, and instantly I fell in love with it. The sights, smells, sounds of boats....Oh my gosh!....Reminded me alot of the time I spent with my Grandfather down in Topsail and Surf City.
 There were tents with vendors everywhere, shrimp boats tied up on the waterfront, and the center of the park had a band set up in the pavillion. Everywhere I looked, I saw "Lt. Dan Weekend" on signs and banners. I didin't know what was going on, but I was enjoying every minute of being there.

 Well, it turned out that Gary Sinise, "Lt. Dan" from "Forrest Gump" and from "CSI:New York" had a band, and they were playing the festival over the course of the weekend.



By the time we had gotten there, his band had been off stage for about a half hour, but they had scheduled entertainment throughout the entire day. These bands were good too! It didn't take long for the pavillion lawn to fill up with people dancing and having a great time.

We Listened for a while, and went walking around inside the park, taking in the sights and everything else. We went aboard a couple of the shrimpers that were tied to the dock, and got a small tour of their operation. That was neat, because I had never been on a shrimper before although I had seen the hundreds of times out off the coast of Topsail on the north end.

 The waterfront was amazing to me. It was so well put together. And there was alot of room for pedestrian traffic along side. The walkways were gorgeous, brick lined, and there were swings all along it to enjoy the day.

From where the above shot was taken, directly 90* to the left, this is what you saw.

This is the swing bridge leading you over to "Lady's Island".

 After being there for a while, we Started getting a little hungry, and so we went through the area with all of the food vendors. There was a little bit of everything, but mainly seafood, of course. Well, being that I'm allergic to seafood, I opted for something a little out of my norm. A big old honkin' italian sausage, on a sub roll, with spiced mustard. Oh, and a diet coke.

 I enjoyed the heck out of that day. It was nice to finally 'exhale'. It was a start of rediscovery too. I eventually left the area to come back home to NC, but I have to admit, when finances are a little more stable, there's a part of me that wouldn't mind moving down there for good. Life moved at a slower pace there. Hell, any beachside town for that matter. And it truly felt like home. Maybe it will be.

Renee, my best friend..........

Love ya, and miss ya terribly.

3 Different states, 2 Good friends, & One trip I'll never forget.

Thursday October 21, 2010
 8:59am
 Beaufort SC

This particular morning started just like any other.
I got up that morning, went outside to smoke a cigarette, and wake up. It was kinda cool out, and the  sun was shining. You could just tell it was going to be a good day. Even though I had gotten up feeling a little under the weather.
 I went back in the house to get cleaned up and prepare for the day. I knew we were supposed to head into Savannah to pick up the new dishwasher. Well, that and do a few other things.
 I took a nice hot shower, shaved, brushed my teeth, then got my jeans and shirt on. Grabbed my shoes and shades, and I was ready. We left the house and headed out through Beaufort. The day was going to be great. Pick up the dishwasher, bring it back and install it. That was the plan.
 We stopped off at Sonic and grabbed a bite to eat, then set out again for Georgia. We talked, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company, as usual.  The road down to Savannah would get shorter and shorter everytime we got the chance to go. The laughter made the miles roll by really fast.
 We hit Savannah. Pulled into the Sears, park and head in. After finding out that the washer wasn't in yet, we went back out into the store to do a little shopping. I must have looked really 'cute' in the women's shoe department.
 The shopping's done. We headed back out to the truck. After discussing "oxymorons" and how hilarious some of our favorites are, we got back in, and started to plan our next quest.
 "So where to?"
"We're done dude"....she says.
Being an avid bike nut, I asked if there was a Harley dealer nearby. She says there's one out my I-95. So the trip is planned. We headed out. It was like heaven for a guy that's into bikes. This big Harley dealership was situated right beside a "Hooters". That in itself is proof that there IS a God in heaven...lol
 We head inside, and I started looking at the bikes in the showroom, well more like drooling over them. I made a complete round in that showroom telling Renee about the certain models that my family and friends have. Then I saw it. Over in the corner, a metallic blue 'rocket' with silver flames, and a 250 rear. I looked at the bike and couldn't figure out exactly what it was, so I asked a sales guy about it, and we started to chat about what it had. Then he said, 'you know, you CAN sit on it if ya want bro"...so, I did.
 That damn thing was perfect, and Renee informed me that I 'looked good' on it. I hated to get off that damn thing, but I can't afford 17 grand for a used bike right now. Reluctantly, I left..lol
 Now, back in the truck, we pull out and get back to 95. Needing to head north to get back home, there was a quick right turn. We are now heading south. I asked where we were headed, and the answer was questionable. I had no idea.
A few miles away, we exited onto 17, 'ocean highway'. This was great! We start winding through all of these little towns, by vacant farmland, old buildings, and signs.....LOTS OF SIGNS....I learned one thing though...EVERY bridge on that damned road has 4 signs in a sequence BEFORE you cross it...There's the "BRIDGE ICES BEFORE ROAD", then, "WATCH FOR BICYCLES ON BRIDGE", followed by the name of the creek or river that the bridge spans, and finally a yellow and black stiped caution sign.
 The second of the 2 signs kills me.....'WATCH FOR BICYCLES ON BRIDGE'.....LMAO.....WHEW!!...I'm glad that sign was there...I would've NEVER been alert enough to actually steer clear of that bike.....JESUS, GEORGIA!?...Is that really needed?

...We saw "THE SMALLEST CHURCH IN AMERICA"...that was way cool...got some great pics out there.....the headed out from there, and found these 2 really pretty trees about 3 miles from that church. One of them was so close to the roadway that you could've easily touched it from the window of your moving car should you ever want to purposely break you right arm off at 60mph.

The next town at this point is "Woodbine".....We crossed the bridge into the town limits, and the first sign we see says this, and I swear to GOD, this is word for word;

'DEAD PEOPLE'S STUFF FOR SALE'

Then, on top of THAT sign, where the 'open/closed' portion should be, instead of 'closed', they had a sign stating 'SHUT".

 We laughed so damned hard, but didn't get a picture of that damn sign. I WILL find it though. Somebody out there on the web has been through there and seen that, and I'd be willing to bet that sign's picture is posted on some 'funny sign' website, or a highway stories blog.

 We talk, laugh, and carry onward. Then there is a bridge so damned narrow that if we'd met someone on it coming the other way, there's a good chance we'd had smacked mirrors. Coming off that bridge, there it was.
'WELCOME TO FLORIDA'

 I had NEVER been to Florida. Until today.
 We moved along after stopping to get picks with that stae sign. Something I'd always wanted to do, but never had. Now I can finally start my collection of roadsign pics with me standing beside them.
  On through Jacksonville now. Great city. Beautiful.
 We hit Atlantic Blvd, and pushed on.
 Crossing some of the nicest bridges I'd seen in a while, we finally hit "Neptune Beach". The area we ended up in was amazing. Bricked walkways, a traffic circle that was also brick, really neat little shops and restaurants, and palm trees. Lots of palms.
 We made it. I'd never been to Florida. Renee knew this. She took me there. I never asked. She wanted to share that experience with me, and prove to me that the world DOES NOT end at the SC line.

 The place was fantasic. We walked out onto the beach. The sand was so fine. The water was blue. The sun was bright. The weather was amazing. The cares were gone. The troubles had vanished. The worries were abandoned. The world was perfect at that time to me.
 Walking down the bricked sidewalk, we took in the sights, the sounds, the atmosphere. There was an 'artwalk' happening, and the artists and vendors were showcasing their best works.

  Dinner was at this little carribean dive on the sidewalk. We sat out on the porch right beside the sidewalk. You could hear the band up the block playing their best Jamaican raggae tunes. We ate, laughed, talked, and really enjoyed that moment. Afterward, we went out for a walk to see more, and I went crazy yet again with the pictures. I like pictures! They capture these moments like a time capsule. Every one a memory frozen in time.

 A little tired at this point, back to the truck we started to head. Back up Atlantic Blvd, and  moving toward I-95. A quick stop at Starbuck's, and we were ready for the trek back to Beaufort. Up the ramp to 95 north, and staying with traffic til we got out of town. The sun is going down at this point, and we were clear of traffic. The cruise gets set at nearly 100mph...lol....and we're talking, laughing, enjoying that hot Starbucks java (Vinte Caramel Macchiato for me please!) and recounting what we've seen.
 Just south of Woodbine Georgia, we hit the first traffic jam. Nobody is moving,and we're right beside a weigh station. After sitting dorment for about 45 minutes, we pull out of traffic, head down the shoulder, and back through the weigh station....turns out it was also fed by hwy17 which was right behind it off the access road. So that was our next move. Get ahead of the accident (truck lost it's load on the highway) and then jump back onto the interstate.

 Well, we did, and after about an hour of diving we hit ANOTHER jam...lol....just outside of Savannah...lol...we waited patiently this time though, and went along with the flow of traffic.
 45 minutes after that jam, we hit Beaufort, and eventually, home. We were both spent, her more than me, as she drove the whole day. What a trooper....she's awesome.

 We come in the house, her to her room, me to mine, we both change, hit the sofa for a bit, and then I downladed the pics off the camera. I then posted them to my facebook page, uploaded the videos fromthe traffic jams, and I am now sitting here writing this blog.
 Today was a great day. I got to see so much. We had a blast. That beach...the water, the sand....it was so majestic to me. I'll never forget that.  Thank you.

 You never cease to surprise me. I have never seen someone that gives so much, yet asks so little. I am so endebted to you. You can not imagine what you've done for me. You practically saved my life. Seriously. I have grown so much since I've been in Beaufort. I see what life can be. I have seen what true friends do for each other. I have been touched...you have got to be the best friend I have ever had, and I'm not saying this because of today, but for what you've done just by being my friend. The advice, your selflessness, the laughter we share....everything. You'll always be part of my family.

 Again...thank you.